Queen

fragile

Love your grandparents, love your parents, love everyone

When I was just a kid, my grandmother made sure that I always received the praise I deserved. Even when I felt like I didn’t deserve it. I was spoiled rotten under her love and care. I was branded as the favorite grandchild out of the 8 grandchildren my grandparents have. My grandmother would talk about me to everyone she knew. She’d talk about my studies or whatever prestigious Catholic school I was attending at the time, and I didn’t mind it not a single bit. There would be times when I wished I wasn’t the favorite. I always felt that my other cousins used to single me out because of it.

I wasn’t a perfect grandchild, I rarely remember to say “po” or “opo” and I was never the one to initiate the “mano”. But I was considered as the smartest among my cousins.┬áSometimes I’d wish I was just an average kid, it was always my greatest fear to disappoint my grandmother.

My family isn’t that rich, my grandmother still works at her furniture business just to make sure there’s food on the table. My family’s problematic, like average family drama. Money problems, health problems, drama. But still my grandmother persevered even if she could’ve been resting ten years ago. She’s a great mother too. Being the mother of my mother, I’m pretty sure of it.

Question: How do you expect your grandparents’ death? You shouldn’t expect it but I think we all have similar ideas or situations in mind. Old age. Disease that slowly takes you away. Ten, twenty, thirty, forty years from now? I used to think the exact same thing too. I’d watch my grandparents wither away as I grew older. But that didn’t happen.

My uncle got really sick one time and hospital bills were usually expensive as fuck, so naturally my grandmother was working. My grandmother got into a car accident because the driver, who was also my uncle’s caretaker in the hospital, fell asleep. I found out about it at school, my dad called me with voice cracks and all. Just like that my grandmother was gone. It still feels weird to think that. It happened way too quickly.

She’s been gone for a couple of months now but I still don’t know how to feel.

I want to be angry because life was so unfair. Why did it have to be my grandmother? Why the fuck did the driver fall asleep? Why couldn’t I do anything about anything? My grandmother only helped others and yet she to┬ádie such a painful and rushed death. People even took photos of the incident and I don’t think I’ve ever seen something so infuriating.

I want to be sad. My grandmother and the rest of my family lived in the province. When I started high school I rarely got to see her. I always wished I got to spend more time with her. I wish I knew about it so I could steal at least one last hug. Hugs that only warm and loving grandmothers could give.

I want to be happy. I’m confident that my grandmother is resting up there, finally. She’ll never get to see me graduate high school, or get married but I know she’s still watching over all of us from a higher view.

And for a while, I wanted to be gone. But I don’t think she’d like that.

I wonder if she still talks about me. My queen. I love you and thanks for everything. You’re always in my heart, I’m lucky to be your granddaughter. I’ll see you in my dreams.

Please love everyone, you’ll never know what’ll happen in the next five minutes. And please pray for my grandfather, I can’t even begin to imagine the pain he’s going through.

For MB (10.15.49-06.15.16)

eyesore

Uncategorized

i like looking at you

from your messy hair

to your sparkly eyes

plus your pearly teeth


observing you has become a hobby of mine

whenever you smile

or when you fix your hair

or simply observe aimlessly


fine, i like staring at you,

but who wouldn’t?

when your eyes hold galaxies

and your smile hides wonders


but seeing you with someone else,

i’d rather close my eyes

nais at tiis, tubig at langis

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ikaw ay aking ninanais

tulad ng tubig sa ilalim ng araw

kasabay ang di mapipigilan kong uhaw
ikaw ay aking tinitiis

tulad ng damit na nadumihan ng langis

pilit na tinatanggal ngunit hindi naiaalis
ngunit parang tubig at langis na hinalo

pipilitin kong manghimasok sa piling mo

kahit na magkaibang-magkaiba ng wangis

para sa aking pagnanais ako’y magtitiis

Hi

Uncategorized

I haven’t posted in a year, probably because I’ve lost confidence in my writing but I think I’ll try it out again hopefully sometime soon. Lol I have so many drafts I never posted. Will anyone still even read this?

i love you

we fit with each other like how you interlock our fingers whenever i admit i feel chills seeping through my fingers

you are warmth, beautiful, and i’ll show you how much love the world can give you

there is no need for you to love me

i love you and i won’t stop

you were sunshine in the emptiness of my fucked-up life

you brought happiness, love, safety and bliss into nothingness and inevitable calamity, don’t i deserve happiness?

it would be great if you loved me back though

i love you and i can’t stop

our destinies aren’t woven deep and close to each other, we’re just misplaced loose threads that persistently knot into each other despite the needle’s edge

and maybe we’re meant to be in separate spools, but i won’t let my extensive knowledge of weaving be a hurdle for me

love has a loose concept, we’ll fit somewhere in between

i love you and i should stop

since when did we start leaving room for disappointment? since when has it slid its way in our routine?

we’re constantly eating away on each other, feeding of each other’s energy, we keep biting at the edges of our i love yous just to find some sort of flavor or meaning that we’re missing and there’s nothing

maybe we’re putting love to shame

there’s no love between us anymore, i’ll stop

there isn’t an enjoyable endpoint in this, is there? you’re a carefree spirit that flies wherever the wind takes you, meanwhile, i like to direct the wind myself

i’m freeing us from my expectations of what we should be, like how we should be happy

but the amount of time, laughter, disappointment and love you’ve cost me has somehow led to me being the best person i ever was and where there is growth, there are no regrets



feels, fragile

whether near or far
i am always yours

how long will i love you?

as long as you laugh and smile

like light from the heavens

flashes out from your thin and slightly curved mouth

where are you?
are you with me?

because i’ve prayed for you,

wished for you,

dreamed about you
i have all of this pent-up emotions for you

but i can’t even find you
i’ve wasted spent it on other people that aren’t you

and it never feels quite as good as my visions
i’ve waited for you,

and i’ll keep waiting for you
who are you?
i keep on wondering if we share the same interests,

do you like watching Filipino movies repetitively until you remember each and every dialogue?

do you love seeing Channing Tatum dance shirtless, for hours?


i keep on wondering if we look alike,

are your hands so tiny that all everyone wants to do is to massage them?

is your eyesight so shitty that you’ve never bothered to read the signs?
and i keep on wondering whether we have the same preferences,

do you prefer writing between the lines?

do you like headphones better than earphones?

are you more into girls than guys?
or are you nothing like me?

maybe you’re a morning person,

or a homophobe,

or a super athletic dancer/achiever

and we’ll love just the same


and then i keep on wondering,

are you waiting for me too?

or are you wasting your love on someone else too?


feels